1.) Consult a reliable weather source for the 5-day forecast at your travel destination to determine appropriate clothing to pack.
2.) Immediately forget what it said.
3.) Select shirts to pack based on their proximity to the top of your dresser drawer. *
*Note: Quantity to pack TBD by how many need to be removed from said dresser for the drawer to close completely for first time since you did your laundry.
4.) Repeat step 3 with yoga pants, paying no mind as to whether tops and bottoms form any cohesive, matching outfits. *
*Note: This logic applies to shoes as well.
5.) Pack every pair of clean underwear you own.
6.) Confirm the date, time, and departure gate of your flight.
7.) Recheck the weather forecast for potential thunderstorms that could impact your flight.
8.) Repeat steps 6 & 7 on a continuous loop to ensure neither has changed.
9.) Pack a book to read on the plane.
10.) Observe that the book was published in 1991.
11.) Sit on the floor overcome with childhood nostalgia for forty-five minutes.
12.) Ask Siri, “What ever happened to the original members of Destiny’s Child?”
13.) Pack your passport.
14.) Pack your wallet.
15.) Pack your cell phone charger.
16.) Pack an umbrella, just in case.
17.) Pack jeans you haven’t tried on since 8th grade, just in case.
18.) Pack a graphing calculator, just in case.
19.) Recheck the compartment of your carry-on bag where you packed your passport to make sure it’s still there.
20.) Confirm the date, time, and departure gate of your flight. (x2) *
*Note: You will never be too sure you haven’t been misreading AM and PM this whole time.
21.) Google poisonous bugs and contagious ailments in your travel destination.
22.) Text your mom a picture of a suspicious bug bite on your butt to ask if it’s malaria.
23.) WebMD the side effects of Malaria pills you haven’t been prescribed.
24.) Pack your toothbrush.
25.) Consider the possibility of the airline losing your luggage and convince yourself it will 100%, absolutely be lost forever.
26.) Frantically stuff ten additional pairs of underwear in your carry-on bag so you are prepared for the inevitable disappearance of your luggage.
27.) Say aloud to your empty apartment, “MY PASSPORT IS PACKED IN THE FRONT COMPARTMENT OF MY CARRY-ON BAG.”
28.) Arrive at the airport a minimum of 3.5 hours before your scheduled boarding time.
29.) Suppress mild nausea until you can confirm at your travel destination that your luggage has not, in fact, been lost forever.
30.) Realize you forgot to pack your goddamn yoga mat.
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