A COVID-19 fever dream of hypothetical plots for my favorite 90s sitcoms if they’d been set in the year 2020…

Seinfeld

George embraces the perks of working from home by wearing his suit jacket and tie with nothing but boxers and slipper socks from the waist-down.  He forgets his webcam is on during a board meeting and takes his laptop into the bathroom to poop.  Jerry breaks up with a beautiful woman he met before lockdown because she looks at her own reflection while they Facetime.  Kramer is convinced he was served bat at a Chinese restaurant, but continues to order it on Grubhub because it was delicious.  Elaine confronts her neighbor who frequently jogs with his mask under his nose by calling out, “Hey Einstein, do you wear your underpants with your penis pulled over the waistband, too?”  Jerry’s Amazon Prime package is delivered to Newman’s apartment in error.  Newman effectively holds it hostage by insisting upon hand delivering it to Jerry in spite of physical distancing protocol.

Friends

As the downturn of the economy prompts unprecedented corporate layoffs, Chandler enlists Joey’s help in designing an eye-catching resume after reading Joey’s perfectly curated Tinder bio.  When the next LinkedIn message Chandler receives comes from a startup company that manufactures waist trainers for babies, he realizes his friends still have no idea what he does for a living.  Monica opens an Etsy shop to sell homemade cleaning products.  Later in the season, she develops a rash that WebMD diagnoses as COVID-toes…of the hands.  It turns out to be an allergic reaction to the disinfectant she’s been selling.  The hook to Phoebe’s latest song titled “Toilet Paper Tumbleweeds” goes viral on Tiktok.  Ursula creates an OnlyFans page pretending to be Phoebe to cash in on her newfound fame.  Ross and Rachel take Emma out of daycare in light of increasing infection rates and look into hiring a live-in nanny.  Their first applicant, whose name is Chloe, ends up being the woman Ross slept with while he and Rachel were on a break.  In Ross’ defense, he had no idea it was her, as he genuinely thought Chloe’s last name was “The Copy Girl.”  Joey is approached by his agent about teaching an acting class for beginners on Masterclass.  He outlines a course about the Art of Seduction instead, where he teaches students how to deliver his signature pickup line, “How you doin’?”

Sex and the City

Samantha has to self-quarantine for 14 days after having a one-night-stand with an ER doctor.  She vows to stick to sexting until there’s a vaccine.   Charlotte’s jogging club is on hiatus, so she enrolls in a virtual baking class.   After stress eating banana bread and only wearing Fabletics for six months, she is horrified to discover she’s gained 20lbs.   Harry loves her fuller figure, however, and starts calling her his thick shiksa goddess, or his “Thicksa” for short.  Miranda reluctantly schleps from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side to take Brady to the dentist after he chips a tooth playing basketball with Steve.  When Brady needs to use the bathroom after their 90-minute Subway excursion, Miranda lets him pee on the side of Trump Tower.  Carrie sums up 2020 in an article that ends with the line, “And as I shuffle out of the bar to make it home for 10:00PM curfew, I can’t help but wonder which plague is worse; Coronavirus, or my loneliness?”