It seems like the less I know someone, the more emboldened they feel to ask me when (when!) my husband and I plan to have a baby.  Of course, nearly everyone who asks this question means well.  On a good day, I appreciate their implicit faith in our ability to shape a fleshy lump of clay that cries constantly and smells like the crusty residue that flakes off the rim of a plastic milk bottle into a productive contributor to modern society.  And yet, even when asked casually, the question exposes a presumptuous and judgmental underbelly that makes me anxious that I’ve fallen behind on some arbitrary schedule. It’s as if my timeline hasn’t met the expectations of someone who was never entitled to an explanation.

Whether you’re consciously choosing to be child-free, grieving a miscarriage or infertility, or contemplating the economic and environmental impacts of contributing to overpopulation, family planning is a deeply personal decision.  You don’t owe anyone a conversation about it if they’re not breastfeeding, bankrolling, or babysitting.

As such, I have crafted fifteen unconventional responses to test drive when you don’t feel like answering, “When are you going to have kids?”

1. “With you? I’m flattered, but I’m taken.”
2. Grab the corners of your coat like bat wings and exclaim, “I had one for breakfast this morning!” in your best vampirine, Eastern European accent.
3. Burst into tears.
4. Burst into flames.
5. Burst into song!
6. “Not for at least nine months, if I had to guess.”
7. “Bamba is actually our biological dog.”  (Use your own dog’s name.)
8. If the inquiring person has children, explain the negative correlation between education and birth rates, emphasizing that educated women tend to delay childbearing and have fewer children than less educated women.  Punctuate your response with, “but bless your heart!”
9. “Huh? Sorry, you’re breaking up; I’m going through a tunnel.”  This works best if you’re not talking on the phone.
10. Lean in close and ask, “Can you keep a secret?”  When they say yes, tell them, “Me too” with a wink.
11. “We want to, but we want to see how your kids turn out first.”
12. “We want to, but we don’t know how to acquire the sacrificial goat.”  Then mutter something under your breath about asking ChatGPT where babies come from.
13. “As soon as the government puts as many resources into protecting first graders from gun violence as they put into protecting the rights of unborn fetuses.”
14. “As soon as my husband gets tired of all the anal we’re having!”
15. Tell them you’re prioritizing your magic career for the time being…and then disappear before their eyes!

You can always stick with, “I’m not sure.” But where’s the fun in that?